Letters From Luka
by LLF
Summary: Letters to and from Luka Kovac after his move to the US from Croatia.
1. New York 1

April, 1995

New York City

My Dearest Mati,

It has been three weeks since I arrived and I am still befuddled by this wonderful city. People are always moving so fast. No one seems to have the time to just sit and talk. Today I took my lunch in a bag and ate in the middle of a park near Zadro's apartment. Nice to sit and breathe under a tree for a change. We are currently sharing his place with three other people. They are all actors and are all have jobs at the moment. Zadro says this is pretty unusual. I find myself tiptoeing around them as they sleep during the day and am alone in the place at night. It is interesting to help them rehearse their scripts. They are convinced that I am an actor in disquise. Zadro tells them about my performance in 'Hamlet' in college and I tell them that my mother thought I was good. They think I should try out for parts. I tell them my accent would make it difficult to find stage work. One guy is doing Shakespeare in the Park. He says they pay people to carry spears on stage and say nothing. Now that's the kind of part I could get!

I am hating this waiting around for my license to be approved. Today I went to the hospital and simply sat in the waiting room of the ER. It is amazing how long people wait for care here. It was also hard to just sit there and not treat people. I don't think I can do that again. I am thinking of taking a job in a nearby restaurant as a waiter instead. It will give me something to do and I can practice my English. Do you think that would be a bad thing...for a doctor to be waiting on tables?

Please give my love to Tata. I know he was disappointed that I decided to come here after all. And also Zoran and Andro. Only you seemed to understand that I needed to leave Croatia to find my life again.

Your loving son,

Luka Kovac

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April 1995

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

You must not worry about your father or what your brothers think. In his mind he has lost a daughter and grandchildren that he loved...and now his eldest son as well. In time he will learn that you will find something that is missing in your life, and bring it back home to us...to him.

Your life with Zadro and his friends sounds very busy but I hope you do think of finding something else to do with your days. We did not raise a son who would choose to be sitting around. Working, even as a waiter, would put you among people to watch and talk to. You have learned that any job is an important job to be done.

Andro is traveling for work once again. Valerija plans to fly to his workplace and spend the week with him soon. They are leaving Javor and Viktor with us, as usual. Zoran is excited as he can spend time working on his nephews' soccer skills without his big brother whining about his sons learning to do something more useful with their time. The boys are only seven and eight years old! I have three sons who are a doctor, an engineer and a teacher and soccer coach. I don't remember being so worried about how they spent their play time. I am just happy that they are all healthy and have become good men. They all have something to give back to this world

You are a good man, Luka. I know that being here had too much for you to remember...to think about. I also know that you will come home again. When the time is right and you are ready. Well, Tata is waiting to drive me to the clinic for another appointment. I mustn't keep him away from his painting for too long!

Much love,

Mati

Amara Lucilija Kovac

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June 1995

New York City

Today was a dark, dark day, Mati. I was looking at a work schedule calendar and suddenly saw that it was Marko's birthday. How could I have forgotten that? Is being so far from home cleansing me of things that I want to remember? He would have been six years old. Old enough to go to school and old enough to be playing soccer for Zadro. I didn't know what to do with myself so I called in sick to the restaurant and went to the park. I just sat in the grass and remembered.

Remember the day that my son was born? You came to the apartment to take care of Jasna for us and I got mad at you for sitting so calming taking tea with Danijela and her mother. You were all so confused that I would be so mad. I can still see Danijela - in active labor - looking at me so innocently with her dark eyes dancing with laughter. She loved to tease me. It was all okay. We got to the hospital on time. And he was so big and so very healthy. You are laughing now because you remember how we told you that he was howling even before he was completely out, aren't you? How different my children were. Jasna was so dainty and feminine (like you) and Marko so robust and strong. Sometimes I remember Jasna best when I think of you holding her in your lap. I think she would have looked exactly like you, Mati, had she grown into a woman. That helps me to think that. It gives me a picture of what my daughter could have been.

I know for Marko's birthday Danijela would have baked him a special plate of his favorite cookies, or maybe a cake. We would have gone to the park together. I would have kicked a soccer ball around with him and swung him high when he scored a goal past me. He would have squealed with laughter and we would have rolled in the grass...all four of us. Even Danijela. We had a good life. I am angry that God would take it from us.

Luka

June 1994

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Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

Do not be sad or angry that you had forgotten Marko's birthday. Tata and I went to church and I lit a special candle in rememberance of him as well as candles for Jasna and Danijela. I was glad to hear it. You must find a place to put those dates and those memories so that you can find other paths in your life. Someday the joy you had with your children and Danijela will serve only to whet your appetite for wanting it again. I am glad that you spent your day in the park. It is good to be out among people and the world that God has given us.

Do not blame God for what men have done, my son. There is a reason for everything. Sometimes it is hard for us to find that reason but there will be a time when it becomes clear. War .famine. sickness. God is there for all of it...even if it's just to hold our hands as we go through with it. He was there for you too, Luka, even if men were not. You have to believe that.

I am having surgery in a week's time. There was a small, tiny lump in my breast and they need to remove it. Your Tata is frightened but I am not. I have a wonderful doctor. He has given me a good prognosis. And people are fussing over me like they have never done before. Perhaps that is the good thing. Today your Tata even did the dishes! Have you ever seen him do that? Seeing him with his hands immersed in that hot pan of soapy water, concentrating as hard on getting the spots off as he does in getting the colors right in a painting, made me fall in love with him all over again. Your Tata is a good, good man, Luka. He has given me a wonderful life and three sons to be proud of. You are all like him.

In my heart,

Mati

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June 1995

New York City

Dear Mati,

Should I come home?

Your loving son,

Luka

June, 1995

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Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

Absolutely not. I have so many people to help me and do for me. Everything is fine. It's just a little lump. You must stay and find your life. Besides, it pleasures me to read and hear about your adventures in 'the New World'.

Love,

Mati


	2. New York 2

October 1994

New York City

Dear Mom,

Just a short note as I am working a double and the traumas are coming in fast and furiously tonight. There is a gang war somewhere. One shooting after another. Teenagers. Children with guns. Lives seem to be worth so little at times.

Zadro has met a girl that is finally making him think seriously. She is from Pittsburg, Pennsylvania and he met her at a cast party. She is giving up on her stage career and wants him to think about moving back to Pittsburg with her. Imagine. Zadro has been an actor since he was a little, little boy. He loves his life. And she is asking him to stop and get a job selling cars or something. I don't think Danijela would ever have asked me to give up being a doctor. I wonder where our lives would have been if she had? Would we have been in Vukovar during the war? Would they have died? I have thought about that a lot since Zadro has been going out with this girl. And I think she doesn't like me sharing the apartment with him any more. Maybe it is time that I looked for a place of my own. I like this place though. It's close to my hospital and the park I like to visit. Sometime soon I will have a day off so I can look for a new place.

My love to Tata and my brothers and their families.

Your son,

Luka

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October 1994

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

How frightening to think that young people have so little regard for life. They haven't seen enough to know that every single moment is a precious thing. So very sad.

The sun came out this afternoon and warmed things up a bit. I was able to sit on the balcony with Natasya sleeping in my lap for most of the afternoon. Jelena comes over with her on the days after I have received my chemotherapy. They are a sight for sore eyes and it relieves your Tata to know that I am not alone. Jelena cleans for me and does the shopping when it needs to be done as well. Valerija stops by for tea in the afternoon as well. She never comes empty handed. She always has some treat from the bakery or the market to entice me to eat. Your poor Mati is nothing but skin and bones these days. Nothing seems to taste good to me. It's hard to eat. But, I have been so very lucky with my daughters in law. First Danijela and now Valerija and Jelena. Friends as well as my sons' wives. Sometimes it's easier to eat when you have good company. Not that your Tata isn't good company. He spends a lot of time in that spare room he calls his 'studio' these days. Did I tell you that he has been asked to have a showing at the Art Festival in Dubrovnik next summer? It is very exciting. He is very proud.

Poor, poor Zadro to have a girl that doesn't enjoy his life with him. I shall have to ring up his mother and have a long talk with her. Jelena and I looked Pittsburg up on the map. It doesn't look so very far from New York. Will you be able to visit him?

Love,

Your Mati

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November 1994

New York City

Dearest Mati,

Not to worry. Zadro has seperated from the girl he was dating. She has gone back home to Pittsburgh alone after all. We are back to four of us sharing the apartment again. Two are out of work right now and we always seem to have a card game going. The stakes on the table are usually the bills that have to be paid. I have been lucky in cards lately but have thrown a hand here and there. I am the one with the steadiest income after all.

I am sending a Christmas box early this year. I want it to be there on time. I am sending some toys for Javor, and Viktor and some trinkets for Natasya. I have sent gifts for you and Tata as well. I had hoped to be able to come home but the hospital is very short handed and cannot spare me at the moment. Maybe after the holidays.

I have put some hats for you in the box, Mama. Zoran sent me a picture of you and Natasya. Why didn't you tell me you had lost your hair because of the chemotherapy?

Love,

Luka

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December 1994

Sibenik, Croatia

Dear Son,

Oh, how we laughed and laughed when we opened your box and found the hats. My favorite is the soft green one that looks like the Lady Liberty statue. Tata likes the chef's hat. He plans to wear it himself when ever he is forced to do the cooking!

We will miss you at Christmas but understand about your new life. Please do one thing for me though. Please take time and go to church on Christmas eve. We have always gone and that is the only gift I want from you.

Love,

Mama

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January 1995

New York City

Dear Mati,

I wish I could have done that for you. I still cannot bring myself to go to church. Some day...

Love,

Your son Luka


	3. New York 3

January 1996

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

What a wonderful Christmas we had! The only thing that would have made it a perfect day would have been having you here. The most wonderful news we had was that Jelena is going to have another baby. Zoran is absolutely thrilled that he might be having a son. He loves his little girl - and Natasya is adorable - but you know him. He wants a professional soccer player in the family. We keep telling him that the day for a championship women's team is coming but he doesn't listen to us.

Other good news is that I have completed my first round of chemotherapy. It has been a long, long road. We will have to wait for several weeks to see if it will hold and become remission but I am sure that it has. I already feel better. My appetite is returning and I think my hair is beginning to grow again. I am getting eye brows again. I can see them when I look closely in the mirror. A little bit.

Are you still happy working in your hospital? Is winter there like here? Tata and I are planning to take a trip soon to the farm to make sure everything is all right with the house and buildings. I am looking forward to being away from the city. Winter is so much quieter at the farm. I feel like I can really hear the snow flakes falling. We have so many good memories there. Remember when you and your brothers took Tata and I on the sleigh ride and we got lost in the woods? You were twelve. You were so frightened and afraid to tell us you were lost. Tata knew exactly where we were but so enjoyed watching you take charge, keep everyone laughing and then be so relieved when you found your way back to the orchard. We still laugh when we remember that day. You were such a good boy.

You are a good man and a good son, Luka. I know that someday you will realize that it is time to forgive God...and more importantly...to forgive yourself for what happened to Danijela, Jasna and Marko. I only wish that I could convince you now. Danijela would not have wanted you to feel this way. I know it in my heart.

Love,

Mom

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January 1996

New York City

Dearest Mati,

He KNEW?? Tata knew where we were all the time? And all these years I saw myself as the savior of our family! I am crushed...

As you know, I spent my Christmas working at the hospital so a doctor with a family could be home with them for the day. It was quiet and we had a huge dinner for the people who were working. I also got to wear the Santa Claus suit and visit with the children who are in the hospital ward. I passed out candy canes, little bears and books and have never seen such smiles. Some of them were bald as well. I looked in their eyes and saw them as the same kind of warrior you are.

I recently went on my very first official date in New York. Her name is Joanna and she works at the hospital. We saw Zadro's play and she was so impressed when I was able to take her backstage after the show was over. Zadro was impressed with her too. I think he was a little worried about me. He came to dinner with us after and brought a friend as well. It was nice. But I missed Danijela even more. Making conversation and little talk is difficult with someone who doesn't know. And she always seemed to know. Does that make sense?

I envy you the visit to the farm again. I know what you mean about hearing the snow fall. I have good memories there as well. It's the place where I first saw Danijela. I was sure that God brought us together. How strange that we could grow up across Sibenik from one another and yet meet picking apples for our grandparents who owned neighboring farms two hours away from our homes? What are the chances of that happening? She was a beautiful girl with a long dark braid down her back. And her eyes. Those dancing, teasing dark eyes. Marko had her eyes. She was my best friend for a long time, Mati. I feel like we grew up together.

Winter in New York City can be brutal. It is cold and noisy and dirty. The park is nice though. The patients we see in the hospital seem to change with the seasons. Now we are getting people who are frozen and sick from cold or burned from fires trying to stay warm or asphyxiated from a space heater gone wrong. There is an occasional domestic abuse victim as people are shut up together. All in all the ER is a sad place to be. But I see them and treat them and send them on their way. It's easier than getting to know them as something other than a patient chart. I am trying to get some vacation time so I can come home for a visit.

Love,

Luka

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March 1996

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

We just sent you on your way back to New York and I feel as if you have been gone forever again. What a wonderful visit we were able to have. You seemed so different and yet the same old Luka. I am glad that you were here to help with Jelena and Zoran. I think he was able to talk to you more about losing their baby than he could have with any of us. Nothing seemed like the right thing to say.

Tata has said that they may have a buyer for the farm at last. As much as I hate selling it, it was his father's after all. Living there would take us too far from the city and he needs to be here for work and his painting. We really couldn't afford to keep it ourselves and live here. It would be good to think of a family living there again though. Children playing in the barns like you used to do. Taking care of animals. Picking apples and pelting younger brothers with them. Kissing sweethearts down in the root cellar. You didn't know that we knew about that, did you? Andro was a very good spy for us.

Zadro's mother tells me that he has another girlfriend and this time he is really, really serious and very much in love. I told her I would find out from you what the girl is really like.

Jelena has decided to go back to work as a school teacher this spring. There is an opening for her at Zoran's school. Her mother and I will take turns taking care of Natasya. She is a sweet little girl so it will be a pleasure to spend my days with her. I didn't get the chance to do that much with Jasna or Marko. Andro lets his boys stay with us when he is traveling be he prefers that they be in school so sometimes I feel like I don't know Javor and Viktor. They are polite and smart. Sometimes I see a spark of naughtiness but not often enough. Am I a terrible grandmother to want them to be naughty sometimes?

Love,

Mati

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April 1996

New York City

Dearest Mati,

Zadro and Joanna are getting married this summer. Imagine that! He is getting married at last. She is a very nice woman and I am glad they have found one another. It was a surprise to come back from my visit to Croatia and find them dating. Since she also works at the hospital and this apartment is close to it and the theater district, I will be looking for a new place soon. I am even thinking of trying a new hospital somewhere. The United States is a huge country and there are so many places that I would like to see and visit. I would like to see Colorado and the Rocky Mountains. I would also like to see the Great Lakes area. Something tells me that all of the freighters and sailboats would remind me of back home. And then there is the Gulf of Mexico area...Louisiana and New Orleans. Zadro is getting sick of watching the travel videos I get from the library here. He is constantly telling me that I need to get a life. He doesn't realize that I have already lived several lives.

I was glad to get the email from your doctor with your latest test results. Your remission continues! I am so happy for you, Mama. You fought the cancer battle and are a winner.

I am sending a box to Jelena with some things she has asked me to send for her classroom. I found some other puzzles and toys you can keep at home for Natasya. I know that you are having fun with her. She is a beautiful little girl...not like you...not like Jasna...like Natasya. Jelena sends me pictures in my emails now and then. How strange that I would have a whole file of pictures on my computer of my niece and nephews. I just have one photo of my daughter. None of my son. The world has changed so much in just a few short years. It amazes me.

Luka

April 1996

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Sibenik, Croatia

Dear Luka,

The farm has been sold. It was a strange time when I went with Tata to sign the papers. It was a happy moment and a sad one too. I wish we could have sold it and made it part of the sales agreement that our family be allowed to visit whenever we want to. Anyway, the farm is gone and we are left with a bit of a fortune in our bank account. We have decided to divide the money equally into four parts. One part for Tata and I and a part for each of our sons. Tata wanted your share kept here but I insisted that it be wired to your account in New York. I want you to use it to settle yourself somewhere. Use it to take a trip to one of the places you've written about. Use it for something special.

Love,

Mama


	4. Toledo 1

June 1996

New York City

Dear Mom,

Last week I talked to a head hunter guy about a new job in Buffalo. It is a town across the state of New York on the shore of the Great Lake... Erie, I think. There is a small Russian community there in need of a doctor for their clinic. That would be an interesting place to work. Zadro says they have record breaking snow in the winters there. I could ski again! I haven't made my decision about them and they haven't made their decision about me. It has caused me to think about living elsewhere however. I think I am ready to leave the bigger city for a while.

New York has been a good experience for me. It has been good to have Zadro to stay with and learn from. I have made friends at the hospital where I work. I know where the good sandwiches are to be found. I would miss the park and the video rental places. I would miss Zadro...and Joanna...and my poker playing apartment sharing buddies. I know that I can make a life for myself somewhere else again. One thing I have learned about America is that you can find a Blockbuster Video and a McDonald's in every town. Throw in a good barbecue place and I can be mostly happy.

My love to all of you.

Luka

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August 1996

Sibenik, Croatia

Dear Luka,

What at wonderful, wonderful surprise to find you waiting for us in Dubrovnik!! You will never know how very happy you make your Tata to have you there for his very first gallery showing at the Art Festival. All of our sons together. He was so proud. And we were so very proud of him. He has spent a life time as a train engineer - and I know it was an exciting thing for you boys to say your Tata did this for work - but now it is so good to see him doing what he really wants to do. We had quite a row about using the painting that has hung in our home as part of his showing. I was so afraid that someone would see it, and love it and want to buy it. Knowing your Tata, he would laugh and tell me that he could paint another one for me and just sell it. He has made the most beautiful piece for me though. It's a water lily - made of bronze - and set inside a heavy crystal bowl. It was an 'experiment' he said...something different to try. Now he has used some of the farm money to purchase a potter's wheel. He still goes to work on the trains every day but his heart isn't in it any more. Your Tata is an artist. It's in his soul.

I hope that you are finding it easy to settle into your new life in Toledo, Ohio. How different is it from New York City? Do you hear from Zadro much? How was his wedding?

Andro and I have parted ways a bit for a while. He was very angry when you left Dubrovnik for Ohio again. I think he misses having you here. He says you are 'running away' by leaving Croatia. He was always such a serious child and now such a serious man. He doesn't understand needing to find something to run toward. His whole world has always been here. Everything in it's slot. He has lost nothing. He has no holes to fill. Except having you nearby. I hope that he can work this through with you. As for me, I will be patient. He cannot go long without talking to his Mati. None of you can. Excuse me as I smile a bit and remember my three little boys tumbling over one another in the big bed they shared together at night and chasing each other after a soccer ball and filling their mouths with warm bread dripping with fresh yellow butter at the farm... cheeks pink from being outside in the sun all day. Everyone thought I would miss having daughters but I have been so happy with my sons...and the 'daughters' they have given me in their wives and children. I have never been disappointed...ever.

Mom

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September 1996

Toledo, Ohio

Dearest Mati,

Toledo is very different from New York. It is much smaller. I have found a small house to rent just outside of the city. I have a car to drive to work every day. It's not much but it is everything, you know? I work out of an urgent care clinic and moonlight in the ER of a hospital so I am always busy. The nurse manager of the clinic has seen it as her goal in life to find me a wife. We tease and laugh about it all the time but it's kind of nice to have someone finding dates for me. She is older than you and married and a grandmother. She brings me cookies and cupcakes to fatten me up. My patients are hard working, industrial people. They remind me a lot of Tata.

I talk to Zadro once a week or so. He is settling into married life quite nicely. I knew he would. Joanna is sweet. He has a new part in a new play that is doing well. They want me to plan to spend Thanksgiving weekend with them in the city. Thanksgiving. An interesting American holiday. They eat turkey for dinner and watch football...not soccer... American football...which I don't quite understand. I might be able to get away to go. It would be good to see them again.

Andro had words with me as well before I left Dubrovnik again. I told him to shut up and concentrate on his own family. He was mad. He doesn't answer my emails. Valerija does however. But he will get over it. He always does. I f he doesn't I shall have to come for another visit and beat him up again.

Zoran emails me quite regularly. I guess teachers have more time on their hands than engineers? He would probably hit me if I said something like that with him in the room. He seems to think that he and Jelena will never have another child. I told him he is lucky to have Natasya. Excuse me while I smile a bit as well, and remember holding her on my lap. There is something very, very special about a three year old. They are so squishy and soft and sweet. She is fat and solid, like Marko was. Jasna was tiny and light. Remember, Mama? I always felt like she would float away if I wasn't holding on to her.

Your son,

Luka

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September 1995

Sibenik, Croatia

Dear Luka,

Tell me the name of your nurse manager. Perhaps I should be writing to her and giving her some tips on finding you a wife? Is she having any luck?

Mama

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October 1996

Toledo, Ohio

Dear Mama,

That's all I would need is to have the TWO of you in cahoots with one another! Cahoots. Isn't that a funny word? It means working together or something like that. I have been out for dinner with a couple of her selections. They are all so young and ...sweet. I guess I am not really ready to move on with that part of my life. I enjoy spending time with women but here they seem to want so much more so fast. Everything moves faster. You go out to dinner and maybe to a movie. Too soon they expect you to sleep with them and then move in with them. Danijela and I were so young when we met that we seemed to take more time to be friends, you know? And she was religious.

Love,

Luka

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November 1996

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

There is your answer. Danijela was religious. Go to mass. Join a church group. You will find a new wife there.

Love,

Mati

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November 1995

Toledo, Ohio

Mama,

You never give up do you?

Love,

Luka


	5. Toledo 2

January 1997

Toledo, Ohio

Dear Mama,

It is hard to believe that another Christmas season has come and gone. It was quiet, and snowy, on Toledo. I decided to work again on Christmas eve and Christmas day. I had many invitations to join families of my co-workers and friends. It was just easier to work than to choose. I am making plans to spend a week skiing with Zadro and Joanna and some other friends from New York later this month however. They want me to bring along a companion. There is a friend that I dated who I might think about asking. We shall see when the time comes.

I have decided to look for a smaller place closer to my work. I am not enjoying having the house as much as I thought I would. I think that houses are for families. Taking care of the yard was much more work that I really wanted to do...and for what? I enjoy having friends over but the little house I had was too far for them at times. There are several apartment and condominium places that I am going to check in to very soon. If I can find one with a good kitchen and a nice living space, I will be moving.

How are things with my brothers and their families? I missed seeing all of you and spending the holidays with you.

Love,

Luka

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January 1997

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

The holidays were quiet here as well. Zoran and Jelena spent the day with her family. They went to mass with us on Christmas Eve and Andro brought the boys over for a dinner on Christmas. Valerija had a terrible cold and decided to stay home. She tells me that she slept all day and that it felt good to do that. I understood. I know how exhausting chasing after small boys can be after all.

Your Tata is considering leaving his engineer job after all these years. Since the art show in Dubrovnik he has received so many invitations for showings in other places. He has actually talked with an Art agent about representing him. With the money for the farm sale to help, he thinks he can paint and build an income for the two of us. I am excited for him and yet a little worried. So many things to think about. I want him to take this opportunity. He has been so good to me over the years. It's his turn now.

You are considering taking a friend on your ski trip? You haven't told me about anyone. Who is she? Is she pretty? You have been hiding something from your Mama?

Love,

Mati

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February 1997

Toledo, Ohio

Dear Mati,

I have not been hiding anything. Her name is Rachel and she is just a friend. Someone I work with. She likes to ski and I thought she would have a good time with us. Actually she was a bit uncomfortable. Zadro and I speak Croatian a good bit when we are together and she was uncomfortable with that. Joanna is not. She did her very best but Rachel wasn't very friendly after the first few evenings. Zadro had a few choice things to say about her so I imagine her fears that we were talking about her came true. Things are okay between us now but I don't think I will invite her to go skiing again.

I am watching travel videos again and am thinking about traveling to a warmer place for a while. Can you tell that there is snow piled up outside my door? I need to shovel a path to the car so I can get go to work. I have found one really good thing about living here. There are places where I can go on cross country skis. I have been working the night shift in order to enjoy the snow in the afternoons. When it's not blowing icy winds off the lake it's nice.

Love,

Luka

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March 1997

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

Your Tata is busy in his studio and it is quiet. I have Natasya today and she is sleeping now in the middle of the bed in our room. I think I need to change the room you boys slept in Such a sweet little girl. Since he is home every day now, she is definitely your father's shadow. He has a small easel for her in the studio and ecourages her to paint with him. I wonder how he will feel when he finds a stroke or two she contributes to one of his own works? He is trying to get me to do something in that room of his as well. I am afraid my talents are best used in the kitchen and with my children.

I am writing this from the settee in front of the window and am watching as huge snowflakes fall. So quiet and beautiful. I miss the farm however. Tata and I are taking a short trip to set up his works at another showing in a couple of weeks. It will be nice to do some traveling.

Are you happy in Toledo, Ohio? I know that you talk about your work but a joy seems to be missing. Perhaps you should think about going back to New York.

Love,

Mama

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April 1997

Toledo, Ohio

Dear Mama,

I love my work in Toledo. I am finding my way about things here. I have discovered that we are just an hour or two drive from Detroit, Michigan. Some friends and I have gone for hockey games there. They also have a great basketball team. We drive up after work, go to the games and spend the night before coming home the next day. But you are right. There is something missing here. It just doesn't feel like home. The problem is, New York didn't feel like home either. It was just...comfortable. I think because of my very good friend, Zadro.

Don't worry about me, Mama. I may be looking for something and I know that I will find it. I can feel it.

Love,

Luka


	6. Toledo and Mt Clemens

May 1997

Sibenik, Croatia

Dear Luka,

Ice hockey games? Basketball? Sports! Always with boys it is sports! I spent a good deal of my life dealing with sweaty jerseys and muddy socks. Remember when I made you start washing out your own? And Zoran has always said that he was such a good goalie because he spent the better part of his childhood and youth dodging and blocking the soccer balls you and Andro kicked at him. AT him, mind you, not to him. But that is also why he is a Teacher and a coach now. One of my favorite picture memories is of finding you snuggled with the foot ball in bed at night when you were a little boy. You played the game in your dreams. And you always seemed to have a game going somewhere in the neighborhood for a while.

Tata and I have been discussing things and think that maybe you should come home again. Maybe we were wrong in encouraging you to look for your life in America?

Love,

Mom

June 1997

---------------------------------------

Toledo, Ohio

Dear Mom,

I am still playing foot ball - or soccer - as it is called in the US. Some of the guys from the hospital have formed a team and we play in a small adult league. We are pretty good actually. We have won most of our games. Soccer is becoming quite a big thing in the US actually. It's kind of fun to go early to the park where we practice and watch the little kids practicing and playing. They have real coaches and real uniforms...even little ones of five and six years old. And their parents sit and watch every little move they make. I wonder how many of them play just for fun? Like we did in the neighborhood?

I know that I am a source of worry for you and Tata, Mama. I know that you won't stop worrying about me until I have what you think I should have. I tried to find it at home. For four years I tried to find it again. But coming here was not a mistake...I know that it's not. I am enjoying my life here. I know that I will come home again some day. But not just now. It is easier to be in a place where there are no reminders. On the other hand, every where I look there are reminders of what I should have had in my life. I see little boys playing in the soccer field and I think that Marko should have been playing with them. Little girls come to the clinic and I think that Jasna would be their age. And I see Danijela everywhere... at the market...waiting for me at the hospital...walking in the park... everywhere. But it's different here than at home, Mom. I can't explain it. Just different.

I am sending you a box to keep for Tata's birthday. I finally found the brushes he was telling me about when I was in Dubrovnik. He said he didn't want to pay for them but he rarely ever tells me about something he really wants. I hope that he will be surprised.

Love,

Luka

-----------------------------------------

July 1997

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

I wish you could have seen your father's face when he opened the box with the brushes and paints you had sent him. He turned three shades of red before he managed to smile. He was speechless and so very pleased. I know that you have talked to him on the telephone since then but a conversation cannot give you a picture. How very sweet of you. You spoil both of us!

Tata's new 'career' is going very well. He is actually selling paintings. His agent has sent several of them to Paris and they were sold within a week! That gallery has asked for four more pieces. He has been eyeing the painting on our wall again. I think I shall have to take that one with me every time I leave the apartment in case he decides to sell it after all. I remind him over and over that it's mine and he painted it for me.

Zoran and Andro have given us a weekend cruise from Dubrovnik for a gift! Tata and I are very excited. We see so many ships and boats when we walk on the beach. We often talk about where they might be going and where they might have been. Just think...for three nights and four days we shall be on board a yacht and people will be wondering the same about us!

Love,

Mom

--------------------------------------------

September 1997

Mt. Clemens, MI

Dear Mati,

I have finally moved from the extended stay hotel to my new condo on the shores of Lake St. Clair. What a beautiful view I have of the lake! It is worth every penny to me because it reminds me of home. Well, Lake St. Clair is hardly the Adriatic Sea but there are boats and open water and a different country on the opposite shore. There are art fairs and concerts and it's closer to Red Wing hockey territory. The hospital is nice and big and I don't have to moonlight unless I choose to.

It was sad to leave Toledo and people were sorry to see me go. But, as you know, it wasn't 'home'. I like the feel of my new place and the hospital. I am feeling good about the moving.

I am sorry that Tata was seasick during your cruise. It's no fun to have to take pills to keep your stomach and head from rocking and rolling. I know that you enjoyed being on the water anyway. Maybe the next trip you take can be to visit me! Tell Tata that I promise I won't take him on any boat trips.

Love,

Luka

-------------------------------------------

October 1997

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

All of your talk about moving has but gotten Tata all excited. We have been looking for a new home as well. He wants something with a bigger second bedroom so he can expand his work space. I will be happy with a nicer kitchen. At first he talked about moving to Dubrovnik full time but we decided not to. Andro and Zoran are here...and their families...and I think your Tata realized that he would miss our time with Natasya, Javor and Viktor as they are growing up. Having lost Jasna and Marko makes us all realize how precious that time is when they are so young.

Andro and Valerija are traveling for his work again and we have the boys for the week. That Javor is a cheeky young man. He has Andro's dashing good looks and yet reminds me a lot of you. He is quite a jokester when his parents are not around. Perhaps this is because Tata and I encourage it? I don't know. I like his spirit and it brings you home to me for small moments, I think. Today he switched the salt for the sugar and your Tata had quite a surprise when he took a drink of his after dinner coffee. Both boys ran to hide in the bedroom closet when he let out that roar of his. I am afraid they aren't around him enough to know when Tata is really angry. It took a half hour and a plate of cookies to coax them out again. I only hope they settle down enough to want to stay with us again.

Love,

Mati

------------------------------------------

October 1997

Mt. Clemens, MI

Dear Mati,

How I love to hear your Javor stories!! I shall have to huddle with him the next time I am home and give him to clues about REAL tricks to play on Tata! One thing though, Mama. You said Javor has Andro's dashing good looks. Does this mean that I am not dashing as well? Has Andro been your favorite all of these years instead of me? I am crushed.

I am going to New York in several weeks to visit with Zadro and Joanna. They have invited me for Thanksgiving again. I haven't seen their little Alexandra yet and she is already several months old. Zadro is a totally besotted first time father. When I call him all I hear about is burping and formulas and diapers. Was I like that when my children were born? I don't really remember. Danijela seemed to have everything in control and knew everything to do.

I am loving my new hospital. It is big and noisy and busy. Not like New York but Detroit has it's share of traumas too. Right away I had several offers of dates. People were asking ME out on dates. Women...and men. Imagine that! I was a little shocked.

Love,

Luka

---------------------------------------------

December 1997

Sibenik, Croatia

Dear Luka,

Still the same old, Luka, aren't you? Always fishing for a compliment. Of COURSE your Mati thinks you are dashing! ALL of my sons are dashing and handsome. They take after their Tata after all. And of course you were just as besotted with your first child as Zadro is. You were a medical student when Jasna was born and I can remember you coming home from working at the hospital and taking her out of her crib and just holding her for hours while she slept. And you would go on and on with Tata and I about how absolutely perfect and amazing her little hands were. Or her little feet. And since she was our very first grandchild we listened and marveled right along with you as we have done with every single one of our grandchildren. Be patient with Zadro, Luka. I am sure he will be listening to the same thing again from you one day.

We have found a new place near the harbor. It is beautiful and we will be moving right after the holidays. It is beautiful and simple. It is closer to Zoran and Jelena and just a bit farther from Andro and his family. There is a balcony that has doors from the bedroom. You can sit there and look out over the roof tops and see the boats in the bay. In the afternoon the sun pours in and warms the bed itself. There are two back rooms that your Tata is going to convert into a studio. We have been given permission to take down a wall and to add more windows. He is very excited. I am too. I shall miss this place though. We have lived here for a very long time.

I am so happy to hear that you are loving your new home and hospital. I wish we could come for a visit to see everything. Right now, with moving and renovating and all, it would be difficult. Someday, however. I promise.

Christmas is almost here again. We haven't mentioned it again in a long time but would you please find a church and go to Christmas mass??? Please? For your Mati?

I love you, Luka.

Mom


	7. Mt Clemens, MI 1

January 1998

Mt. Clemens, Michigan

Dear Mati,

You will be happy to know that I went to church on Christmas Eve. Several of us from the night shift went after work together. It was a good thing to do with friends, Mati. It made my family seem closer to me. And it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I was surrounded by memories as I expected to be...but they were good ones. Afterwards I went back to the hospital and slept in the call room so I would be there for the morning shift. Not a bad way to spend a holiday when you are the new guy in town. They had a wonderful food buffet in the cafeteria so I had a good dinner. And it was a pretty slow day. Christmas Eve seemed to be much busier.

I am amazed at how much there is to do in this new place. I have been skiing pretty regularly. One of the guys in surgery at the hospital lives on a huge farm and invited me to cross country ski there as much as I want. Sometimes I go after working a night shift and it's so refreshing to get out of doors and play after being at the hospital all night. And it makes it easier to sleep. I have also been down hill skiing. And ice fishing on the lakes. I go to the movies. And there is a comedy club I like to visit. Sometimes I don't understand when I am supposed to laugh. When I find things that are funny to me, sometimes I am the only one laughing. Other times, when everyone else is laughing, I just don't get why it is funny. I must remember not to take a date with me when I go to the comedy club. At least not until I figure this funny American sense of humor out.

I got a nice letter from Andro and his family for Christmas. He seems resigned to the fact that I am living here. He asked me if I thought it might be a good idea for his boys to come and spend the summer with me when they are older. To see America, he said. I cannot imagine that he and Valerija would allow them to spend a whole summer with me but I think I would love such a thing if it did come to pass. What do you think, Mama? Would I be a good chaperone for the sons of my stick in the mud little brother?

Your son,

Luka

---------------------------------

January 1998

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

Your Tata and I were the ones that had the idea of Javor and Viktor visiting you one day. We told Andro and Zoran that they were lucky to have someone dear to them that could provide such an opportunity for their children. I am happy that Andro is thinking about it. I have no doubt that their boys would come home changed people after spending a summer with their Uncle Luka. It would be nice if they assumed the best of you and the best of their parents. My, what perfect grandchildren we would have! But what am I thinking? They are already perfect. Knowing you better would only serve to make them better as well. And hopefully when such a thing comes to pass you will have a wife and maybe a cousin or two for them to get to know as well. How is your courting doing in this new hospital?

Tata has become a mad man with his new potter's wheel and kiln. He has been making bowls and vases and pitchers for a shop in town. Things are selling too. It's funny that we would have so many tourists in the winter like this. Some of his pieces have been purchased by suppliers for other galleries. Some of his pieces have been purchased by housewives looking for something pretty to hold their milk or food for the dinner table. I think I am most proud of those sales. I know how much a mama needs to have something pretty around at times.

We are contemplating a trip in the spring. Tata and I would like to visit Vukovar. Tata has this need to see where you lost so much. To put it all to rest, I think. It will be safer once it becomes a Croatian city again. What do you think I should be saying to him?

Love,

Mom

-----------------------------------------

March 1998

Mt. Clemens, Michigan

Dearest Mama,

There is no need for Tata and you to visit Vukovar. There is nothing to put to rest there. I always planned to go back one day and bring Danijela, Jasna and Marko home again. I detested knowing that they were at rest in land ruled by the people responsible for their deaths. But now I know there is no real need to retrieve them. They are not in Vukovar. Only bodies remain. And there are many, many bodies, Mati. I now know that I brought them home with me when I came. They live in my heart and my mind and my soul...just as they live in yours and with Danijela's family. Nothing can take that from us. I am at peace knowing that the ground where they are will once again be part of Croatia.

Sometimes I feel so alone when I think about what happened there. No one knows. It is another kind of world in America. Americans really have no idea about war. They fight with honor and lose citizens - young men and women - but never right outside their front door. It doesn't make the loss any easier, I know. But they just don't know fear. They don't know the terror of fighting sleep at night with your weeping children in your arms and the sounds of bombs and shells around you. They don't know about praying that your wife will be safe from rapists if you leave her alone and go to your job. They don't know about walking out the door thinking your family is safer inside...and having them die in your arms because they weren't. They have no idea what it is to hold your breath till your lungs are bursting in fear that a soldier will hear you and give your hiding place away. And there is no way to tell them. No way to explain. It is easier just to not talk about it at all.

And to get back to what I know you REALLY want to know about, the courting is easier here. There seems to be no end to invitations to go places and do things. I am enjoying the attention, I think.

Love,

Luka

------------------------------------

April, 1998

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

It is only the beginning of spring in Croatia and already buds are breaking out on trees and in gardens. Valerija and I have been busy tending the plants in her gardens. It is so nice to feel the earth in my hands and to smell it again. Being so close to the sea and the smell of fishing boats, I think we forget about the earth too. I want to get outside and do as much as I can now. There is so little time.

I know that Tata called you and told you about my last round of tests. I have to have more chemo therapy and radiation as well this time. I wish I could have something better to say to you, especially since I know you are planning to come home for a while this summer. It will be no fun for either of us if I am tied to the hospital and the doctor. Maybe you should wait and come home at Christmas time this year? By then this new challenge will be fought and won and we can enjoy one another more fully. Please, Luka. Think about changing your plans.

Love,

Mati

--------------------------------

May, 1998

Mt. Clemens, Michigan

Dearest Mati,

Change my plans and disappoint Tata by not being at the Art Festival in Dubrovnik again this year? I can't do that. But I will do something for you as well. I am coming this summer for a few weeks and will also be home for Christmas. Does that please you, Mama?

I received an email and fax from your doctors. It's going to be tough, Mama, but you are a fighter. If you can manage to keep three sons like Andros, Zoran and I in line, you will definitely be able to beat this again. I want to be there to help. I have even given thought to coming home for good. As much as I want to be with you and my family there, it just doesn't feel right. Does that make sense?

Love,

Luka

-------------------------------------------

June 1998

Sibenik, Croatia

Dear Luka,

I can't believe that it's only a few more weeks before you will be here. Tata has purchased a couch for his studio so you can stay there. Zoran and Andro both have room in their homes for you but I think I want you to be here - close to Tata and I. We have missed you so very much. I am wearing your hats again. My hair was beginning to fall out so Jelena and I just cut it all off. Who cares? My old bald head is the sign of a battle being waged, eh?

Javor and Viktor have asked me to ask you to bring them some more of those Lego blocks you sent them for Christmas last year. And if Natasya were old enough to beg for something, I am sure she would as well. We are all excited to see you again.

Love,

Mom


	8. Mt Clemens, MI 2

September 1998

Sibenek, Croatia

Dear Luka,

Oh my, we are quite a pair your Tata and I. Me with old, bald head and he with his crutches! Yes, he tripped on a broken sidewalk and is now wearing plaster from his toe to his knee. I told him he needs to paint it but he just gives me very bad looks. He doesn't mind it so much. It keeps him in from our afternoon walks. Instead he can paint in peace. An old friend of Zadro's comes to walk with me every day instead. Some days I am too tired to walk so we just sit and visit. She is such a funny woman with lots of stories to tell. She was a teacher at his school for a long time. Valerija takes me to my chemotherapy appointments and Jelena's mother is taking care of Natasya every day for a while. At least until Tata's broken foot heals. She brings her to visit us when she can. I miss seeing her and playing with her and taking her to the park with me.

We enjoyed your summer visit so much. Tata and I seem to talk about things that happened while you were here, or things you talked to us about, whenever we sit down to share a meal. It was so good to see you so healthy and so happy again. You have put on the weight you were losing before. It was right for you be where you are. I am sure of it now. And we are so looking forward to having you home again at Christmas for a few days. I want you to bring me some more of that cream you brought for my skin. It is the only thing that makes me feel better after a radiation treatment. Valerija is so good about rubbing it on for me.

Well, my walking friend will be here soon and I must get ready for a vigorous 'adventure' with her. I don't think I will be able to walk much with her for the rest of the week. I will be getting another chemotherapy treatment tomorrow and they wear me out so.

Love,

Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 1998

Mt. Clemens, MI

Dear Mom,

One special thing about the place I live in now is the fall. So many trees and so beautiful. People around here actually take trips to 'see the fall colors'. I don't remember seeing such color when I was living in New York...or Toledo for that matter. One of my colleagues took me to an apple cider mill after work on Saturday. I must admit that the freshly made apple juice cider and a hot, crispy donut were delicious...in their own special way. We must have eaten a dozen of them! They were nothing like the pastries we can get in Dubrovnik but good at the time.

Thank you for the photograph of the painting Tata has done for the chemo room where you get your treatments. It is beautiful...all of your favorite colors, eh? I hope the hospital treasures it because Tata is well on his way to becoming very famous artist and that painting will be worth a huge amount of money some day! I am glad he was able to give you something pretty to look at while you are getting your treatments, Mama. I know they are difficult to sit through some times. Perhaps you should teach Valerija how to play that backgammon game. It kept us occupied during your treatments when I was with you last summer.

Things are changing in the hospital where I work. Lots of money problems. People are leaving for higher pay in other places. I don't think I will be leaving any time soon. I get enough. It is different for people with families and houses and more things. Sometimes I look at my fiends and people I know at the hospital and wonder what the fuss is all about. You can have so very little and still have so much. They just don't know it.

Your favorite son,

Luka

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

November, 1998

Sibenek, Croatia

Dear 'Favorite' Son,

Oh, how your brothers would hoot if they could read that! They each think that THEY are my favorite! In truth, all of you are...for very special reasons.

Zadro is my baby. He will always be my baby...my very last infant...no matter how old he gets. The one you would pick on. The one who hung in there because he worshipped you and Andro. He is tougher than most because of what he suffered in your hands...and a better man for it.

Andro is my serious engineer. He is the one that could always figure out the best route to take with anything. He is a thinker. A problem solver. He measures his success in a different way than we ever had and I hope it stands him in good stead. He has wonderful boys and a wonderful wife.

And you. My eldest son. The one Tata and I learned with. And you survived and grew up in spite of us! You gave us so much joy with your funny naughty ways. You always had people laughing. That laugh of yours is infectious even now. I cannot tell you how many people ask after you since you have gone back to your home. Doctors, fellow patients, nurses at the hospital...neighbors. Everyone want sot know how 'my Luka' is doing.

It has broken my heart over and over to see you struggle with the path that has been laid out for your life. I want you to have happiness again, Luka. And I want to be here to see it. If I am not, then I will be in Heaven with Danijela, holding Jasna and Marko in my lap again, plotting and planning with them and making it happen for you once more.

We have had good news and it will be a wonderful Christmas for us. My blood tests have come back with even better numbers than they anticipated. It appears that I am well on the road remission again!. It has been a tougher fight this time and I will admit that I have been getting more and more tired. Now I feel as if I can stand it longer.

We are counting the days till we see you again.

Love,

Mom

----------------------------------------------------------------------

November 1998

Mt. Clemens, Michigan

Dear Mama,

Zadro suffered at our hands?? Oh, please, Mama, how can you say that? Zadro followed us everywhere. He copied everything we did. Of COURSE we had to make him suffer. He was a pesky little kid. And he always came running to you, Mama. Your baby, indeed. And Andro. Ha. My conscience. I would have made a great deal more trouble for you and Tata had I not had him along!

I have already packed my bags and am filling spaces with gifts for all of you. I am looking forward to coming home for Christmas. Are you going to beg me to go to church with you again? Are you going to make me cook all the time? I will have you know that I have perfected the art of making Grandmother's Christmas Eve bread. I have even given it to friends as a gift. No one has complained.

I have my tickets and will be arriving in Sibenek on December the 23rd. I am excited to be with everyone again.

Love,

Luka


	9. Mt Clemens, MI 3

January 1999

Sibenik, Croatia

Dearest Luka,

There is a snow storm raging outside the windows. Tata is locked away in his studio with his paints and his new music boom box that you gave to him. I can hear the arias through these thin walls. Unfortunately I can hear your Tata singing along with them. What ever possessed you to even think of giving him such a gift? Was it a punishment to me some how?

I did so love having all my boys around me again at Christmas this year. It's difficult to see you climb aboard a plane again though. I keep telling you - and everyone else for that matter - that it is the right thing for you. I can see in your face how much more at peace you are now. Don't let anyone try to drag you back here...for what ever reason. You know what is right for you and do it. Always.

I am wondering what I shall do with myself this winter. I am really not feeling well enough yet to be taking care of Natasya again. She is happy with Jelena's mother. She will be starting school herself very soon. Such a smart little girl! Probably even more that Andro's boys were at the same age...but I shall deny ever saying this. To get back to my earlier thoughts...Tata is forever begging me to join him in his studio some time. I just might try my hand at his pottery wheel. What do you think, Luka? Are you in need of some poor misshapen crockery for your kitchen in Michigan?

Love,

Mati

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February 1999

Mt. Clemens, Michigan

Dear Mom,

I am always in need of poor misshapen crockery! Especially if it is accompanied by a picture of YOU actually working with Tata's wheel. I tried it myself when I was home and it's not easy. But I think you should try it, Mama. And also sing along with Tata's arias. I think the two of you can punish one another in that respect. I don't think that you could ever expect someone from the Kovac family to be a singer. I think my children might have had a chance...but only because they also carried Danijela's genes.

There is snow everywhere here as well. I put my skis to good use again. It is probably the one thing I enjoy most about living away from a city. I can find some place to ski or walk any time. I have heard that there is a park not too far from here where wild birds will fly down into your hand along several of the pathways. People carry bird seed in their hands and the birds feed as they walk along. Imagine that! I might try to find it sometime soon.

At any rate, living on a great lake is so very different from living near the sea. Ice breakers go up and down the channel all the time keeping a pathway clear for the ships that need to travel through. I can see the huge piles of broken ice that line the shore from my apartment. It's a beautiful and kind of scary sight.

Love,

Luka

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sibenik, Croatia

March, 1999

Dear Luka,

Thank you so much for the new garden catalogs! Tata and I are making plans for our flower beds already. He is already groaning about all of the spading he will have to do for me. Poor, poor man. I shall be taking precious time away from his beloved studio.

I am thinking about adding a flagstone pathway from the door to the street. It makes me sad that I didn't think if this earlier and we could have taken some of the bricks from the old barn at your grandparents' farm. Tata says that he might be able to go up and buy some of them from the new owners if I want him to. What do you think?

I am just happy thinking about spring again. The grayness of the winter months drag me down at times. We have had very, very good news regarding my blood tests. Remission isn't so very far out of my grasp any more.

Did you ever find the park with the birds that would feed from your hands?

I love you,

Your Mati

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sibenik, Croatia

May, 1999

Dearest Luka,

Tata has asked me to answer your most recent letters. He finds it difficult to even think about doing it. Writing to you was always your Mati's task. I am sorry. He is doing well, all things considered. It has been a hard time for all of us. It is difficult to understand the way of things. She fought her cancer so very long and so very hard. She was well on her way to a second remission. She WAS in remission. No one ever considered that her heart would just...stop beating.

We missed you. Mati would not have wanted you to come home. Not this time. I think that is what Tata is having difficulty accepting. He knows that she has always been right and would have been right this time as well. We shall miss her. Natasya already does. She was there for the funeral. She was there for the burial and yet she still wanders through their apartment looking for her.

I was hoping that Tata would let me help him with the gardens that he had planned with Mati. He won't hear of it. Instead he sits in a chair next to the pile of bricks he brought back from the old farm and stares at the sunsets...and the sun rises. I don't know if he really sleeps. He hasn't gone into his studio in a while. Zoran is a bit worried about that. Your parents had established a pretty precarious living from his art. We don't know how long he can go without selling things. It is a worry.

Your sister,

Jelena Kovac


	10. Summer 1999

June 1999

Detroit, Michigan

Dear Tata,

I received Jelena's letter and know that I may not hear back from you. That writing was Mom's way of keeping in touch. I miss our letters already. But I don't see myself getting much mail for a while. I will have to call you now. I have quit my job. I leased out my apartment. I have purchased a boat. I am planning to spend the next few months just sailing. Mati told me she wanted me to use the money from the farm for an 'adventure' and so this is it.

My new home is a 28 foot Catalina sailboat. It's not new but is very sea worthy. It has everything I need...a bed...a galley... a table...auto pilot... sails. It's nice and cozy. The only problem that I am going to have is that my head brushes the ceiling of the cabin. It sort of reminds me of that attic apartment I lived in when I was in college. Remember, Tata? Mati always worried that I would lose my hair there. But I thought this would work out for me because I will only be sitting or sleeping if I am in the cabin. Most of the time I plan to be topside anyway.

I am currently moored in a small slip near Detroit, Michigan. It's raining today and I am mapping out the first leg of my trip around the Great Lakes. There are so many places to choose from. I thought about taking the boat up the St. Lawrence River toward the Gulf of St. Lawrence and the Atlantic...maybe make my way back to New York again. But that would mean a good leg of my trip would be through Canada. I am licensed to work in the US. I have signed up with a company that provides temporary help to hospitals and clinics. They have said that if I want to stop for a while I should be able to find work along the shorelines. There are small towns and resort areas that are in need of doctors to cover for summer vacations. I think I might like that. At any rate, with the money I have saved and the money from the farm, I should okay. I won't have many needs. Just gas for my boat and food.

If you need to reach me Tata, please call Zadro in New York City. I have promised Johanna that I will call them once a week.. She worries so much about everything these days. I think it has to do with being pregnant again.

Your son,

Luka Kovac

----------------------------------------------------

June, 1999

Lake Huron, Michigan

Dear Tata,

Well, I have been at 'sea' for several weeks now and it's been wonderful. There are so many little nooks and islands around the Michigan coast line. Lots of small towns. I can find pretty much whatever I need or want within walking distance of a docking site. Most of the time though, I spend on my boat. I fish and swim during the day. I read. I even managed to get some medical journals from a local hospital at my last port. I think and I write. I keep a ship's log and a journal of sorts. I write about things I want to remember. Mati would approve. She would want us to remember all of the good things. She wrote once that if her illness did get the best of her it would be okay...because she would be with Danijela, holding Jasna and Marko in her lap, as they all plotted and planned for all of us of here. I like to think of them doing that.

I can almost see my children and Danijela on this boat with me. I can see me swimming in the water with them in the morning, teaching my children how to fish. Reading stories with them before putting them to sleep at night and sitting with Danijela on deck watching the sun go down. I think I feel closer to their memories here than anywhere else I have ever been before this. Where do you feel closest to Mati's memory? Is it sitting outside the door watching the sun? I understand Tata...if no one else seems to. I understand.

Your son,

Luka Kovac

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July 1999

Mackinaw City, Michigan

Dear Dad,

I picked a pretty interesting time to sail around the top of the Michigan lower peninsula. It is the American Independence Day celebration and I am watching fire works all around me as I have moored close to a vacation town. I haven't decided if I want to sail down the western coast line or stick to the Michigan shores. There are lots of people doing the same thing that I am doing with their summer. I have made friends with several of them. We keep in radio contact and let one another know where the best mooring spots are. I think that is why I am so torn right now. Some are headed toward Wisconsin and others are sticking to Michigan. I think I will stay here for a bit though. After being so solitary, it's fun to walk into town and just sit and watch people. And I have signed on to work at the urgent care clinic here for two weeks while their doctor's alternate vacations. I will call you soon.

Your son,

Luka Kovac

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July 1999

Lake Michigan, Michigan

Dear Dad,

So Michigan coastline it is. I am following friends - Steve and Bridget - down the coast line. They are about a day and a half ahead of me. Steve is an engineer and very, very precise about his mapping and his moorings. I am not so precise. I think Bridget is hoping that he will relax a bit and I am supposed to show him how to do that. Actually, I am hoping to learn from HIM! They are going to wait for me at a place called Traverse Bay. We are going to have dinner together again. Usually we fish and then enjoy whatever we catch. Kind of nice.

It is amazing the big ships that we see on these lakes, Tata. I even saw one with a Croatian crew apparently. I have a Croatian flag that flys from the top of my main sail. I was sitting on the deck reading and horns started going off on this passing ship. I used my binoculars to see what was happening and there was a gathering of sailors on the ship's rail waving and jumping and hollering. I wasn't sure what it was about until I saw one come bounding out of a cabin with his own Croatian flag to wave. What a small big world this is!

Your son,

Luka Kovac

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August 1999

Lake Michigan, Michigan

Dear Tata,

I was wonderful to talk to you yesterday! I am glad that you are painting again. I am sorry that you will be missing the art festival in Dubrovnik this year though. That was always Mati's favorite. I wish that you would come and spend some time with me on my boat. The sun rises and sun sets are so very beautiful over the water. Both are my very favorite times of day. And it's nice to not be in a hurry to get anywhere. I am thinking that I may be able to head up the Wisconsin coast before finding a place to spend the winter. Bridget has told me of a town called Escanaba and thinks I should see if the hospital there can hire me. I could store my boat for the winter and then maybe head back toward Lakes Erie and Ontario next summer. She says the winters can be kind of brutal there though. It's something to think about. But I don't have to make any decisions yet. I just want to enjoy the rest of this trip. And I am enjoying it. There is a lot of peace in being alone for a while. It makes me look at other people in a different way. I enjoy my encounters a bit more, I think.

I spoke with Zadro on the phone for a long while recently. He was laughing and saying that if only poor Tomo should see me now. All those summers we spent on his father's sailboat...and me such a dunce when it came to sailing. I think they kept me around because I made them laugh. Zadro says now my conversation is sprinkled with words like rigging and stays and coamings and tillers and spinnakers... He says it sounds as if I have been sailing my entire life! Tomo would be proud.

I love my boat but my true heart has always been with the train engines that you drove. I remember being allowed to sit on your lap when I was just a little boy and pull the whistle when it needed to be blown. Maybe that should be my next adventure? Perhaps we should steal a train, Tata, you and I. We could take it across entire continents together. Would you like to do that??

Your son,

Luka Kovac

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August 1999

Dear Tata,

I cannot believe that I have made it through this entire summer without having to deal with one thunderstorm. I am moored near a small island and the boat is rocking and rolling in the waves. I have lashed down everything and sealed up everything and so I am just waiting out the storm. This has been a good little boat and quite a nice home actually. Now, with this gale...I think I am rethinking going much farther into the fall on it. We shall see.

I have been writing about Marko a lot these days. Wondering what kind of boy and man he would have become. If he was anything like he was as a baby I can imagine that Danijela and I would have had to be quite strict to keep him in line. Well, maybe Danijela would have had to be the strict one. I could never do it. It was a good thing that Jasna was such a a good little girl. I could never have been much of a disciplinarian with her. I would have enjoyed all of the mischief both of my children would have caused, I think. Would that have made me a bad father? Now that I am grown I think that you and Mati enjoyed all of the messes I dragged poor Zoran into...and then Andro. Even though you had to be tough and put on the mad face to scare us. My problem would have been sustaining the mad face long enough to scare my children. How did you ever do it?

Well, I think I have my newest destination. The company that I have been listed with wants to know when I can be in Chicago. They have a need for doctors in their hospitals there. It might be a nice change to be back in the middle of a bigger city again. I am going to think about it.

Your son,

Luka Kovac


	11. Chicago

September 1999

Chicago, IL

Dear Dad,

Well, I think that I have found a place to settle into for a while. Maybe at least for the winter. I enjoyed my summer on the boat...more than I ever thought I would. Being alone with the sun and the moon and the water gave me lots of time for reflection. It did nothing for my English however. My accent seems thicker than it ever was. All those weeks of thinking and writing and singing (very badly, I know) in Croatian.

I am very ready to go back to medicine again. I am working as a moonlighter in Chicago. That means I go in and sign on for a shift when they need me. It's easy. The medicine is the same everywhere. Some places are better equipped. Others have friendlier staffs. I have been to several hospitals here already. There is Mercy and Northwestern and Mt. Sinai and Cook County General. Those are the ones that I have been to the most...just a couple of times at each. And there are others I haven't been to at all. I think I am most intrigued with County. Today when I reported for work they were already in the middle of huge trauma. A van had crashed into a coffee shop not far away and the injured were being diverted there. I was walking into the ambulance bay and noticed a little girl sitting all alone in the back of one of the ambulances. It took me a few minutes to convince her that it was okay to talk to me and she let me carry her inside. It was crazy, Tata. Just as I was about to step into a corridor with little Michelle to find her Mom, an oxygen tank came careening down the hall and crashed into a closed door. No one seemed to be too surprised about it and everyone went back to the task they were doing before. It was a funny feeling, Tata. When I saw the confusion and the people, I felt like I was home at last. Not home in Croatia...but home in my head...somehow.

My boat is moored on a small private dock near a boat building and storage yard. In Chicago it's easy to get around. I can walk to the train. I can stay here until the weather gets bad and then I have to look for some place else. I can store my boat here until next spring as well. I have taken a post office box so that I can receive mail again. I know that writing is not something you enjoy doing but I hope that you will send something to me. Just so I don't feel so bad when my postal box is empty all the time.

Your Son,

Luka Kovac

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October 1999

Sibenik, Croatia

Dear Luka,

I am glad you have a new home. I am glad you have a postal box. Jelena tells me that she will not write to you for me. She says I will have to do that myself. There are some things a father and a son must say to one another that a daughter in law cannot share she says. I think Jelena is just plain lazy.

Your Father,

Josip Laurentis Kovac

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October 1999

Chicago, IL

Dear Dad,

I seem to have found my niche at County General. I was working there fairly regularly and then they hired a new attending and I didn't work there much at all. Now they are having me back again. Their ER is probably one of the busiest that I have ever seen. Because they are a county hospital and located in the heart of the city, they get a lot of the city's poor...or nearly poor. They are the people who cannot pay for private care. It is much like the hospital I worked for in New York. It is a teaching hospital so there are interns and residents where ever you turn. All are anxious to try out and learn procedures. They all make me laugh. Was I ever as anxious and as earnest as they are? But they are the most dedicated staff I have ever seen. Right down to the nurses.

There is one nurse named Carol. She is probably my very first actual friend in Chicago. She is tall, has dark curling hair and is very pretty. She is also pregnant with twins. I have been asking around and it seems that the father of her children was a doctor at the hospital and he moved away to Washington. Just left. She is beautiful, Tata. And she reminds me of Danijela…. strong…independent…and very, very capable. It makes it more fun to go to work when people actually call you by your first name. I had forgotten that.

Your son,

Luka Kovac

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October 1999

Chicago, IL

Dear Dad,

Today was a dark day for me. A patient was brought in with a head trauma. She was pregnant and the resident that was handling her case was working on the mother and forgetting all about the baby. I delivered the baby with a C section as the mother was dead. No one seemed to understand except Carol. The baby is beautiful. I couldn't bear the way people looked at me after that though.

It felt good to go back to my boat today. I was thinking about choices and reactions. I don't know that what I did today was so much a choice. The mother was dead. She was going to stay dead as long as they worked on her. It wasn't going to matter. For the baby, it did. Carol understood. She did everything I asked her to do. And the baby lived. And in a way….the mother lived as well, right?

Your son,

Luka Kovac

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November 1999

Chicago, IL

Dear Dad,

I have good news. I have been hired as an attending in the ER at Cook County General Hospital. I have decided to stay here. My first thought was to put my boat in storage but I thought to sell it instead. It didn't take long for it to sell. It is a good little boat. Now a family will enjoy it as much as I did. Where to live has become my problem. I have taken residence in a hotel for a while until I find something I think I would like. There are lots of places in Chicago but it costs so much money. I am not in a real hurry. It is just me after all.

Ah….very good news. My friend Carol has given birth to her twins. They are two very healthy little girls. She has named them Tess and Kate. Beautiful names for beautiful little girls. I saw them in the hospital nursery. Actually, I was very nearly there for their births…well…maybe the first one's. I was on the train coming in to work when I saw Carol sitting in a bench. I got off the train early to make sure she was fine and she was actually in labor. I wanted to call an ambulance but she didn't want all the fuss. She felt that she could take the train to the hospital station and walk in. Stubborn. Now who does THAT sound like? I wanted to laugh. Danijela would have done the very same thing. In fact, I helped Carol get through her labor just as I did Danijela…by humming. Remember, Tata? It was Mati that taught Danijela that little trick. Anyway, we were going down the steps of the train near the hospital and Carol passed out. I carried her to the ER entrance and then she was whisked away. My ER chief, Dr. Kerry Weaver, set me to work on other patients and took over Carol's care. She had the first baby right there in the ER. Then she was taken up to the OB unit and I didn't hear until later in my shift that she had had to girls. People forgot about me. But they are beautiful, Tata. They are fat and round and sweet. They made me think of Jasna and Marko. All babies do that to me however.

Your son,

Luka Kovac


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